A simple souvenir of someone’s kill
And like the sea
I’m constantly changing from calm to ill
Madness fills my heart and soul as if the great divide could swallow me whole
oh, how I’m breaking down — City And Colour
That feeling of helplessness never really goes away does it? I was rolling the other day with Prof Mike, and I was stuck on the bottom. I wasn’t in a position to be submitted, I was just stuck. I literally couldn’t move. My hips were plastered to the mat. I couldn’t make space. I couldn’t bridge. I couldn’t shrimp. I couldn’t roll to my stomach. Stuck as fuck! While I was lying there under him, a thought flashed in to my brain; “If I was fighting for my life right now, I would be dead. There are no two ways about it. I am completely helpless.” I didn’t like that feeling. As soon as he moved to attack an arm, a little space was created and I had that “Phew!” sensation.
These deep dark feelings have been entering my head lately. I have dreams about getting shot in the face, or stabbed, or choked to death. They are becoming more and more common. I have no idea why…