Might as well get this out in the open right now. I hate the way I look. I am disgusted by my reflection in the mirror. I can’t possibly fathom why my wife was/is attracted to me. It makes absolutely no sense to me. I mean, there must be a reason why it took 26 years for a woman to show the slightest interest in me (her).
I don’t have many pictures of myself because of this. I try to avoid the camera. Every now and then I allow myself to be photographed. Here’s a few
The only part of me that I ever liked was my long hair. Look at it. Isn’t it amazing!
And now look at me! Nothing left. Damnit!
When I finished college (for the 3rd time) in 2002, I was the strongest that I have ever been. I’ve always been into lifting weights. As a younger man, before I knew any better, I associated pure strength and power with being in shape. At that time I weighed about 240lbs. Now, at 5’7″ that’s a lot of fat. Sure I had a lot of muscle but trust me, I was no bodybuilder.
After entering the workforce, my wife (girlfriend at that time) and I decided to make a real effort to lose some weight and make a few changes. Through a lot of hard work and bitching/moaning/swearing, I plateaued at about 200lbs. Pretty good I thought. 40lbs in about a year or so. The problem is, I wasn’t satisfied even though I’d managed to keep it off for a couple of years.
In 2005 I found Muay Thai. The weight started to come off. I ended up at about 185lbs by 2007. Even though I was working my body harder than ever, I still saw a lot of fat all over. I wondered why I couldn’t look all ripped. I worked out until exhaustion several days a week. Both strength training and conditioning.
Here’s the answer. I’m a fucking pig. I eat like a son-of-a-bitch. I literally can’t stop myself. After years of reading and research, I consider myself to be somewhat knowledgeable in fitness and health, but for the love of Jeebus, I can’t make myself do it.
This is the leanest I have ever been at 172lbs. It was the morning before the 2013 Ontario Open BJJ tournament. I didn’t keep it off.
I know you’re going to say that I look fine here. All I see is that belly and massive love handles. There’s a reason why I’m always photographed straight on. Plus all the back fat that you don’t see here!!! YUCK!
Currently I’m 178 and struggling to stay there. I’m in the gym every day almost. I lift, run, jump, bike, squat, climb, punch, and anything else that is considered exercise. I keep resetting my goals thinking that this time will be different. Maybe it will last for a month or two, but in the end it all comes back to that fucking pig thing. Damnit!